SpawnPoint

Yet another blog at 4am... *sigh*



It does seem to be going around though, this feeling of melancholy. I haven't been feeling up to my usual standards lately and it doesn't look like I'm the only one. I'll be starting my senior year of high school in 3 days...it's overwhelming, exciting, frightening and depressing all at once. While I'm glad that this is my last year of being in high school, I can't shake the feeling that I am not ready for this. Not to mention the fact that I keep hearing people say high school was so easy and they just wish they could go back to 'simpler' times, and here I am trying to maintain my sanity looking out into where my life is going. Not very helpful...though perhaps I should just stop trying to find someone to comfort me and go back to relying solely on myself, after all I am going to be an adult in...hmm...83 days (yes, I did the math). But, back to the point, I have wasted my entire summer it seems, living in solitude...in the comfort of my basement, waiting for something...anything to happen and now that it is I'm unsure of how to progress. I've somehow got to fix my murdered sleep schedule and obviously cut down my dicking around in game and on the forums, once school starts...but other than that I am lost.

I'll be visiting college's soon and while I've nearly picked my core few a recent development in my life has set my sights on a new location. Like my most recent blog states, I'm going to be busy as sin just trying to keep up and I'm worried I can't handle it. While I've had to rely on myself for most of my life due to a tumultuous home life...the concept of being completely in charge and in control of myself is formidable. Things that used to only worry me slightly are now at the cusp of my conscious constantly, like money. Soon I'll have to figure out how to balance student loans, debt, car payments, bills of all sorts, and of course keeping myself fed so I don't starve (which I already seem to have a problem with :-P). Stupid, completely silly thoughts poking at my cerebellum with sharp sticks at obnoxious hours of the day really.

So...I seem to have lost track of what I originally intended this blog to be about. *sigh*

This was supposed to be an apology of sorts, if I came off as rude or more unwelcoming than usual lately. As you can see I'm just not myself and hopefully I haven't upset any of you. So again, sorry for how I've been as of late and while I'm still feeling...'meh' I'll try and tune it down so that I can keep entertaining all of you. (That is what I do right? if not then I guess I really am useless and serve no point :-P)

*on a side note, my right eye has begun to twitch*

Well since its 3am I guess I'll post this in the "Insomnia" category...

I've noticed recently that life hits me randomly throughout the day. About 5 minutes ago I realized that in 8 days I will be starting my senior year in high school. It's going to be hectic to say the least; my schedule if I can remember correctly consists of at least 8 English classes and 3 music classes. I'm in one AP English class and the rest of them are honors level...Am I insane?!?! Jeez, that and I'll be trying out for my high schools fall musical, and then later our drama festival, which will put a ridiculous strain on my life and school work and everything else. That and the three choirs I'm in on weekends...*sigh*

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited...and I adore everything I do, it just hit me how close I am to actually starting my life. This is my last year in high school...I'm going to college, my god COLLEGE! It feels like I was a freshman just yesterday...starting in a new school and having to make all new friends...and now I'm going to be an adult?! It's overwhelming...I've picked my top schools I want to apply for already...I'm already planning my major...I know what I want to do with my life! When did this happen?? When did I start actually planning my life...on my own? I'm turning 18 in November...I'll be moving out soon...what happened to middle school when I had one teacher all day? And where the hell did recess go, can I get that back? Some days I can totally see it, me rushing to lectures, taking exams, going to actual parties :P. Being interviewed by schools for student teaching, getting my degree and finally finding a job as a high school English teacher. Starting a family...having an actual life. And then other days I can't see past what I am today...a 17 year old girl unsure of where life is taking her, where she is taking herself...scared of what’s ahead and yet willing to stand up and look the future in the face and show everyone how strong I really am.

Part of me is ecstatic, I am so ready to actually control my own life...and then the other part of me is asking "am I really ready for this? Can I handle this at all?"


Damn me and my life shattering realizations at inappropriate times in the day!

...hmm, perhaps sleep will ease my troubled mind... *sigh*