SpawnPoint

Every new year people are expected and often do think on something they can change or improve on themselves or the world around them. We have all heard the stereotypes of people saying they'll go to the gym and be healthy but never actually pick their bum's off the couch to do much of anything let alone go to the gym. Well I used to be like that, I'd say I'd recycle more or try and focus harder in classes and for a while I'd stick with it...but something always hung over me and eventually would put a stop in all efforts I had for bettering my own life. This year my resolution is to quit...to quit what I'll get to in a bit but first a bit of a back story...

In fifth grade my parents marriage fell apart, I should have seen it coming what with the constant fighting and all, but I didn't and it rocked my world...a complete shock to my system. They seperated later that year and I was left with my mother unemployed and my little brother and I still in grade school. My father and never really got on very well to begin with but I came to blame him for everything that was going wrong, my mom ended up getting a job and for a couple years she'd be at work and I would be taking care of myself and my little brother. At 12 years old I mastered doing the laundry and cooking full meals so that my mom wouldn't be stressed when she got home around 6-7pm...5 hours after school let out for me and my brother. When I was in 8th grade my uncle moved in with us so that we could keep our house...life got even more stressful. Mom and I began fighting and she eventually settled on deeming me worthless and a waste whenever possible. I began to blame myself for anything that went wrong as well as believe everything she called me. It still goes on even now, and now I have the added pressure of 'real life' dawning on the horizon.

Through out all of this I have had to rely on myself for everything, and I developed a horrible habit...I began to cut myself. I've been a 'cutter' since I was 11 years old...my life has been anything but easy and cutting was always there to help me cope.

It has been said that at least 1-10 teens have tried self-injury.

Most people begin self-injurious behavior as a way of coping.  Honestly, it does work in the beginning, much like how any drug just gets you high in the beginning.  After a while  though, the injuries become worse and worse in an effort to hide whatever pain led to the initial self-injuious behavior.  

When one injures themselves endorphines are released into the bloodstream to better help the body deal with the physical pain.  These endorphines can create a high that has been compared to an opium high, and this reaction is addicting.

Most peopl try to hide that they cut, and I know that in the beginning I did as well. I didn't want anyone to see how weak I was, I didnt want them to see how I couldn't fix myself. Once I got into highschool though, I just didn't care anymore. It was part of my daily routine and I thought "Pfft so what, they've never been here for me why should they care now." It didn't seem wrong to me anymore, it was just part of me. This year I finally realized how wrong I was though, I finally saw what I was doing to myself. I was like a drug addict, if I missed a chance to cut I would panic and often end up ten times worse than what it would have been. This year though I've had some help with it and...I'm done. It's been a week and while this may not feel right yet...it will.

My resolution is to never do this again...I'm going to find healthier ways of dealing with my emotions no matter how bad they are. My resolution is to realize that I am not weak and that I have the strength to deal with whatever life has thrown at me.

I also just want to take a second to thank everyone that has helped me come to this decision, well the people on here at least. So...Phil, SmJe and Tullsy thank you for helping me when I needed it most, you have been so wonderful to me. Also, Debs...thank you so much for never giving up on me, you were always the one able to calm me down and for that I owe you so much. Love you mum.


So...My resolution is to quit, and I'm sticking with this one.

Thursday night around 10pm an ice storm hit New Hampshire... lovely...

Well thousands of people everywhere lost power, including me. The next day, school was canceled because the building had to be used as an emergency shelter. I spent all Friday trying to start my ridiculously old generator so I could power the sump pump and keep my basement from flooding. Finally just as it was getting dark the damned thing started, which I'm going to assume was from me screaming various obscenities at it. So I started the sump pump and on a whim decided to save the food in the fridge as well. Later on my friend Irving stopped by wondering if he could stay with us, because he was also without power and he knew we had a fire place. That night it ended up being Irving, my brother, the kid next door and myself sleeping on my living room floor in front of the fire. Stupid thing went out at about 1am and Irving and I woke up 3 hours later absolutely frozen. -.-

Saturday morning found us STILL without power, and so we (my family + Irving) decided to go down to my aunts house in Massachusetts where she had power. We got there and decided that the nicest thing in the world was a warm shower and a working oven, after frigid water and some failed attempts at making grilled cheese in the fire. Throughout the whole thing my brother kept insisting that because Irving was staying over that it was a slumber party...yeah that's exactly what it is *eyeroll* So instead of sticking with it being a slumber party, we opted for a new name The Survival Alliance hehe. So my weekend was spent as part of a survival alliance with my friend Irving. We didn't get power back till Sunday afternoon and ended up getting Monday off because the school was still being used as a shelter.

Anyway that was my lovely rant about my weekend survival alliance during a state wide blackout.

Well it's here, opening night of my high schools fall musical production of Peter Pan. To say I'm nervous would be a vast understatement. Last year I was nothing more than an ensemble member, barely in 2 scenes. Then I made festival the extremely competitive drama competition, where I had a lead role in the "understudy" cast. Now it is my senior year and I have a lead role (sort of) as Nana the dog (go ahead laugh it up, it ain't easy crawling across the stage on your hands and knees or go down a set of steps the same way face first). I also have a smaller part as a pirate wench (again go ahead and laugh, I've not only learned to tango but to waltz aswell).

It's been a long journey, 3 tedious and exhausting months and we're finally here. Some of the set peices are being completed as I type this, and people are probably at home frantically going over their lines before call. I have to make some pretty wuick changes which still have me rushing through the halls to back stage just in time to go on and I am just so nervous. We havn't even run through the entire show yet as a full cast with costumes and all. Tongiht will be the first time, and that has all of us pretty tense.

The inschool performance went about as well as expected, but we had some bumps. We did 3 performances and only of act 2. During the second performance we had 3 "casualties" My friend playing tiger lily got stepped on and rolled her ankle yet still went on through the 6 minute indian hip hop dance break. We nearly dropped the girl playing peter while she was flying, and finally me. My complete list of injuries include a laceration on my forehead because someone dropped a column on me during a scene change, a bruise in the shape of a sword hilt from where I run and pick up captain hook and run off stage with him over my shoulders as we flee from the crocodile, and two broken toes from having another set peice dropped on my foot. Not to mention my still broken thumb from falling off the stage during a rehearsal (gosh I'm a mess now aren't I).

Anyway...tonight is opening night and I actually have to leave right now to make my 6pm call time.


>.< Wish me luck!

Well It's 2am and I'm still up... *sigh* Debs...such a bad influence :-P  (kidding of course hehe)
Oh well...here it goes. I had a scary thought earlier while on a server. Debs was dealing with a rather...hrm...enthusiastic, shall we say...brand of idiot. And as I watched, I couldn't help but think of all the times I've had to deal with the same thing. Then it hit me, a thought so disturbing that I feel it should be shared.



A friend sent this to me a while back, and it is the foundation to the horrific thought I had earlier.

Now...

Imagine all the ignorant fools out there...on the internet, and in the real world...they were the WINNERS! They were the fastest and they beat out the rest. Now just imagine what the losers would have been like...scary thought, no?

In the internet you come across an abundance of stupidity. For instance, someone comes to complain.. shall we say, of an admin abusing them, and their ranting hate filled post, that provides no information what so ever of what actually happened, and is written so that anyone with a basic knowledge of the english language would start bleeding from the eyes upon reading...was the smartest little sperm in the bunch.

George W. Bush...

...THIS^^ was the cleverest in the entire group?!


"When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked." - Natural selection at it's best.

...*sigh* obviously the others in this batch were mutated...


and finally...



haha...oh yeah...they're winners alright.

So whenever you have to deal with this type of person, just think of this "They were the winners," and laugh. :-P


oh Debs clicky <3